'...worst comes to worst...' My thirteen months as a VISTA expired on Friday afternoon to absolutely no fan fair. Well I take that back; it did stop raining about the time I left the office. Don't get me wrong, the last thing I wanted (or expected) was fan fair or any recognition, but it was weird that on Friday I left my desk and I was an AmeriCorps VISTA making about $3/hr and in the morning I will arrive back at the office doing pretty much the same work only as a full-time salaried employee.

While the money does take a certain precedent in my mind (mainly finally paying off my credit cards) what has the main focus of my mind tonight is the actual work. After the incident last week I have been very nervous about starting work this week. After all if anything it illustrated how unstable perhaps our leadership is during this time of transition, as we are searching for a new director. And it added fire to a concern I really had not put too much weight into, that being the fact that I do not have a direct supervisor right now. So it has been primarily up to me to be crafting my work plan, my job description, and to put any thoughts into my work plan for the next year. Of course there has been input from our board president and our interim director, but we tend to see things differently. My thinking tends to be more focused along how to do the work to best serve the people and accomplish the work, while their thoughts tend to be more focused on what would be best for the organization. My motivation is the work and not so much the organization (although of course I do support our organization); theirs is a mix of both, however definitely with the organization as their primary motivating factor.

So am I excited to start this new chapter? Yes and no. No because it doesn't really feel like it's a new chapter starting right now. It feels like in many ways I have been there already and am just doing it now for more money. And yeah, I'll probably have a little more influence. But something just isn't settling right.

So I think I'm about at the point where I just try and forget it, get a good night's sleep, and just go to work and do the job. After all, what else can I do right now? That's what I thought.

A few months ago in a small group with some people from Ren we were talking about labor and it was the opinion of my friend Joel that we work in heaven. He suggested that we work and we enjoy it more than anything we could ever experience on Earth. He said something to the effect that work in heaven is what we so long for in our hearts on Earth but maybe never fully recognize enough to perform. I thought about his thoughts in the concept of who he is, a recent RISD graduate who majored in Industrial Design and works with his hands, making furniture
(and the occasional musical instrument for his friends).

I thought about what I was doing, in this crazy field of disasters, focusing on worst-case scenarios and planning and working with disaster volunteers who give so much to the well being of one another, friend and stranger. I thought of why I do it, and how I look at it as public service and that I find my joy in that cause.

I don't know what life has in store for me, but as I set out now a little over a year into my career and a few hours away from starting my first "real" job in it I'm just trying to focus on those aspects of it; not on organizations or jurisdictions or employee struggles or even paychecks. That's not where my heart is. That's not why I am here, at this place in life.

And as much as I look forward to retirement and exploring the U.S. from behind the windshield of a R.V. , in my heart I kind of hope that Joel is right.

Isaiah 55:2.  ¶ 3/04/2007 08:54:00 PM