last night some friends and I were standing outside a Waffle House in NRH at about 3:30 am. we had been doing the suburbia catch-up thing. one of the many memorable lines"

'...It's 44 degrees and I'm freezing. this is sad.'  ¶ 12/27/2006 07:40:00 PM 0 comments

  at Christmastime we are all joys in God's eyes. even car salesmen. First off, Merry Christmas. If you can believe in it then Yes, Virginia there is a Christmas. there may not be snow or even freezing temperatures or even much of the so-called 'air' of Christmas filling the world, but it does seem like that time of year is upon us. Sure doesn't seem like it anymore. It did a few weeks ago, slightly, but not so much now.

Been home a few days. Been with the family a few days. Put on many pounds. Have done a lot of bad stuff to my body. Most all of which has involved sweets.
Today Grandaddy and I went car shopping. Looked at several vehicles, pissed off a few car salesmen and vice versa. I walked away from several near buys today upset that I didn't make a purchase but knowing in my heart that none of them were right for me anyways. But if I hear one more "What would/do I have to do to put you in this car today?" I am going to burst. Yes, I know it's their job and many car salesmen are sad (Glengary Glen Ross) enough that you know that just below they really need the sale. A few years ago I would have let that pressure get to me. These days, forget it. Tomorrow is another day, and I'll figure it out eventually. And stop talking to me. Or at least in that tone. I know who I am, I sort of know what I want, and I know what you are not going to do; mainly, change that. I don't buy into that salesmanship philosophy.

boy--angry/frustrated blogging is fun(ny). So it's almost Christmas Eve. Thinking about this crap is no way to spend the holidays. Time to let it go for 48 hours, and just revel in the spirit of...togetherness. etc etc.

turn on some music and smile. me and julio down by the schoolyard.

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.  ¶ 12/23/2006 11:59:00 PM 0 comments

  landed...sort of...i think...yes; but needing to read Proverbs I'm home now, back in Texas for the holidays. I spent the weekend in New York with Kristin. We stayed with her aunt in Forrest Hills. Saturday during the day we went into the city and saw the tree, the shop windows, etc etc. Despite the fact that it was unseasonably warm (some tourists were in shorts and tank tops) it did manage to closely resemble what I imagined Christmas in New York City to be. Enough to cross it off my list of accomplishments I created for myself a few years ago...but not enough to say that was the only time I wish to experience it. I still would like the full experience of the Manhattan/holiday season/snow/chestnuts roasting combination. Saturday night then we celebrated the second night of Hanukkah with her family...a new experience for this Baptist-born Texas kid. Just a little lighting of the candles, exchanging gifts, eating potato latkes, watching Dane Cook. You know, sticking to tradition. It was great times. Then we headed to Astoria for a Christmas party with some of her friends from college. Actually, two of the girls were from Texas. Holly was even from the tiny mecca of Marshall, where my sis is currently attending college. You know, Texas is a huge state and New York is a huge city...but it's a small world. Rumor has it a lot of us wind up there. Maybe someday I can add to those numbers. Eh, why not?

The next morning we attended church with Holly back in Astoria--a cool community church meeting in a synagogue. It was really a great service. All month long my church in Providence has been celebrating Advent, and I'm so glad that we could attend a service on this Sunday, the week before we recognize Christmas. While sitting there I realized how important it was for me. This is a season of reflection, and while I hadn't forgotten that I had been distracting myself from processing some thoughts that needed processing. The scriptures at the service were read in many different languages: English, Spanish, Chinese, Korean. It was very beautiful. Children sang; a trumpeter played. I feel like lately I have been thinking about my experiences in a new way. It's strange but it feels right, so I'm going with it. Not speculating too much on the uncertainties of current and future situations, but rather just trying my hardest to be a part of the present. I guess no better time than now to try it out. (Was that a bad joke? Was it even a joke? Oh man I don't even know anymore...hey did the lights just go out?)

So yeah: basically these days I feel like I'm a mess and I've got my shit together at the same time. It's beautiful and it's confusing and it's simple and it feels so complex. Nevertheless it's the time of the year where the days are just going to be getting longer from here on out...and that's a very encouraging thought.

After brunch it was off to the airport and then the long flight back home, where it is also warm. But this is Texas, so what's new? But ol' Dave Finfrock said colder weather is on the march and should be here soon. Just as I got used to wearing flip flops again.
Home so far has been plenty of laughter, what with both Ben and Sarah in the house with Mom and I. But it's an interesting change for me. In May when I came home halfway through my year in Providence I was able to completely forget about my life up there for a few days. Now--while it does seem very far away--I am still ready to get back and start the new year. Life has progressed to a healthier level. (Healthier? What a lame way to descibe it! Josh, you dink.)
More ready to start the new year/job/life than getting back to Providence. Looking forward to the future and being and doing. But a part of that anticipation also lies in figuring out what might be next. But for the first time in a while, I don't think I'll be in a rush to find that out. No deadlines, no pressure. Just life.

And first on that list: I have to buy a new car. A few days in New York made me wish I didn't have to, but I don't live there and reality is that I need a new car so I can drive back up to Rhode Island in a few weeks. I have some ideas, but I just don't know yet what I'm going to try and get. Leaning towards a Jetta. We'll see. Tomorrow. Or maybe later. No rush tonight.  ¶ 12/19/2006 01:30:00 AM 0 comments

  A year-end reflection: Investment My year as a VISTA hasn't necessarily been a typical one, but then again I really don't know if there even is such as one. I've written several times before of surviving on the VISTA stipend. But I find that some of my adventures have been downplayed or even left out. Today was my last day in the office for this year, with one month left on my term of service. I started briefly thinking back upon all the experiences that 2006 have held for me. As a VISTA the line has definitely been blurred between being an actual employee, 9-5, of my nonprofit host site. I've been in trouble for dress code and my lack of participation (lack of footwear!), I've shared in celebrations and tragedies. I've seen just as many co-workers come as go. I've served food to homeless, painted with little kids, and I've attended meetings with mayors and governors. I've attended conferences and trainings across the country. I've stood in the rain during various disaster drills and attended as many free breakfasts/coffees/brunches/lunches/dinners/deserts that I could get invited to.

One of the main reasons people sign up to dedicate a year of service as a Americorps Volunteer is that they want to make a difference in our world. My first reason was that it might be a good way to secure a job for myself and give a little bit back. And yet as I think back on that goal now, in hindsight I search for the answer of accomplishment with the positions reversed: Did I make a difference and give something back...while also securing a future for me somewhere? Did securing something for the future...really even matter at all?

This afternoon as I was straightening my desk I began to think of what I had actually accomplished this year, and what immediately came to mind were so many of the little things. How many calls did I take for people looking to volunteer, to do something.

The thing is, I'm never going to know the answers to these questions. And that's ok, I really don't care that much. Lately at work I've been slacking, and I've been thinking more about missed opportunities and failed projects than successes and progress.
Today Jen--a fellow VISTA--and Kara our college intern, and I went to lunch (stiffed by a promised free lunch, but thats another story) and then went on some errands together, getting lost in Providence/Warwick/Cranston. It was such a waste of time and such a good time. When we arrived at our destination the person who we met with briefly was so friendly and so thankful for the work that we do and have done for her organization and the community. I mean, we were just three young kids taking a long lunch and stopping by to pick up a basket from a recent raffle fundraiser we had. We were 2 VISTA's and an intern. None of us are particularly invested in the volunteer center. We're all outsiders to the community, coming from other states. But this lady--like so many people we have met or talked with this year--are so encouraging, grateful, friendly. No matter our role, no matter our interest--we represent an organization that makes a difference. And so it is that I guess to some people out there we in turn make a difference. That's hard to think about some days, when we're mindlessly surfing the net or calling the copy machine repair man or handling phone calls regarding court-ordered service.
But when it happens, it reminds me of what this year has been about. Not just overall goals--and whether or not they got accomplished or changed or done away with or whatever--but about all the many experiences along the way. About days like today, with Jen and Kara and the lady in Cranston.  ¶ 12/14/2006 06:22:00 PM 0 comments

  (if you want it) there was an article on CNN yesterday about Christmas music and radio stations that switch to all Christmas music formats in November. We have one or two up here we've been listening to at work. And even though they do play the same songs over and over again, I love it and can bear it for a little while. Today at work we jammed to WOXY for a little while, and they played a fantabulous mix of indie Christmas music. And a few of the standards...I mean come on, who isn't going to play Ella Fitzgerald?

But Christmastime. In church we've been discussing Advent for the past two weeks. But I haven't been doing so in my own personal life, and I'm beginning to realize that is an unfortunate on my part. I need to be focusing on that part of the season.

Well I'm beginning to feel sick, and I have to be up extra early in the morning. I imagine it's a mixture of things; the season, I've been around a lot of people (and kids) lately, and also I've been walking to and from work every day for the past week or so. The car is pretty far gone, even for short distances. But it was a hell of a ride, baby. Almost 9 years. I think I'm going to donate it for charity when I get back in January.

Guess it's time for some Nyquil and some sleep. This is my last week at work for the year; on Friday I'll head down to NYC with Kristin and then I'll be flying home on Sunday. Looking forward to the family, to a break from life. This has been a stupid, rough week emotionally. I'm meeting with Nate tomorrow for lunch and then Pastor Scott after that, and then Becky tomorrow night. It's good to have some friends. To talk about some things. Share a few laughs. Pray.

And then I'm going home. Yea, family!  ¶ 12/12/2006 07:44:00 PM 0 comments

  An offer I couldn't refuse Last Saturday I finally moved into my new apartment. And it is such a great feeling--and such a great apartment! Third floor. My bedroom has a view of downtown AND the State House (of course since the leaves are off the trees around here this is, as my buddy Rob Silva called it, a Rhode Island seasonal view--but who cares, right?). My bedroom is so big, and I actually have a living room where socializing can occur. Imagine that! Just tonight my roommate Dave and I ordered a pizza and watched 'The Godfather' on the tube. Excellent.
Dave is a really cool guy. He's a missionary for Campus Crusade for Christ and an engineer. We have similar tastes but different enough to remain interesting to one another. An actual roommate unlike I've had in a long, long time. And unlike in the past, I'm taking advantage of it. After a few hours of mafia goodness Dave brought out his saudering iron and totally fixed my broken power chord for the laptop. So for the first time in a week I can turn my computer on! Yea! Also on Tuesday night we went to IKEA with Becky, to buy the one item that they turned out to be out of stock of.
This was a pretty busy week, and yet 11:30 is the latest I have been up. In fact, I've been crashing pretty early lately. 9:30, 10:00 average. Last night was different. Went over to Kristin's and we watched a warped VHS copy of Andy Williams and the NBC Kids Search for Santa Claus from 1985. It was stupafying. It was awesome. It has Theo and Rudy and Punky and Cherry. And Joey Lawrence. And so many more stars. Then we watched Scrooged. It's that time of year man. Just have to love Christmas time. I love it more and more every year.

Looks like the funding will come through for my job next year. I am excited and looking forward to the challenges that await me. Assisting in planning for medical emergencies, including the pandemic flu. Good thing my first season of ER DVD's came in the mail today. Only $9.00 on Amazon. Tough to pass up.

Also this week I volunteered for a day at the Rhode Island Homeless Connect. Helping to connect the state's homeless with various social service agencies. I'm not going to get too much into that. But it needs to be mentioned that the Governor announced a 5-year plan to end homelessness in Rhode Island. Here's hoping we can succeed. Because that was a tough day. I'm still recovering.
Of course, right now it's clear and 25 outside, with a low around 19. And I'm about to climb into a warm bed. My tough experience as a volunteer was nothing compared with facing a night outside in these conditions.

Needless to say, 8 days in and it's already turning into a long December. For better and for worse.  ¶ 12/08/2006 11:17:00 PM 0 comments